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Sometimes, when I consider the fact that I am about to become a mother midlife, at the age I might have become a grandmother, I feel like a freak. Big life events are never ever the dating after death of parent again.
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It is already clear that my life is not wholly my own. The other curious feeling was being flooded with love for my dad, a full lifetime's worth of love that percolated through my cells and made me emphatically glad to have been born his daughter. And I'll be honest, even if it highlights the selfish bitch in me, just minutes after finding out my dad had passed away, I consciously said out loud to no one but my sobbing shadow, "Great bloody timing, dad, I was genuinely keen on this one. The idea that we might lurch from sharing moments of giddy infatuation to moments of emotional torpor terrified me.
A friend says that in some ways it is easier to be a mother expecting a child than a father, because your body prepares you for the alteration of your world. Sara Barlow May 62: But most of my friends have come late to parenting, if not quite as late as I will. I wanted to love; I wanted a child.
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Before then, books had bored me. I watched it five times before his birth and I feel robbed.
None of us believed I had that time. My father was the sarcastic realist in the house and one of the most forgiving people I have ever met.
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In an odd way it has made me a better parent. I am always acutely aware of what memories can mean to my son and how I will impact his life while I am on this earth. You will get an earful about gratitude and appreciation.
My one beautiful life no longer seemed enough. Granted things heal over time but there are just some days where I can't even look at a picture of her without bursting into tears.
This didn't mean I became unhappier. Grief didn't stop me from wanting to have a good time, to see shows, to plunder cocktail bars, nor to exert my body in aerobic yoga classes and my boxing gym in actual fact, the endorphin rush from exercise sent me on a fitness bender.
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